Insanity in Equestria
by VeryGoodAdvice
Summary: Discord is sincere about reforming, but he still has a lot to learn about being a good guy. And when Twilight learns she's going to be an aunt, he attempts to help. This probably won't turn out well.
1. Royals and Rabbits

**Before we start this story, let's get one thing straight. This is the product of two writers who use My Little Pony fanfics as a cure for writer's block. We are not, under any circumstances, attempting to make a serious fic.**

**On a side note, the Cadance/Shining Armor subplot happened because one of us is very amused by those sorts of stories. Will it happen in the show? No idea. Is "Paranoid Auntie Twilight" funny? Yes.**

"We're going to have to tell her, you know."

The white unicorn stopped his pacing, turning to stare at his wife with disbelief in his eyes. "Tell her?" he repeated, slowly, as if he didn't fully understand what was being said. "You actually want to _tell her_ that we're expecting a foal?"

"We're her family," the princess pointed out, stretching her wings and keeping a very close eye on her husband. "She deserves to know. Besides, as much as I like your parents, they probably won't be able to keep it to themselves for any significant length of time." She turned a playful gaze on her husband, pretending to be concerned. "Or do you not even want to let your parents in on it?"

"That's not fair, Cadance," he protested, and Cadance laughed lightly. "I want my sister to know, she deserves it, but I'm worried she'll freak out too much. And then she'll try to _help." _He emphasized the word in a way that suggested that his sister's help would be anything but helpful. Cadance understood why he felt that way, but she'd made a point and had to stick by it.

"We could always use help," she said, but Shining Armor shook his head.

"Not Twilight's help. You've seen how she gets. She'll probably end up trying to foal-proof nature or something."

"You're not giving her enough credit," Cadance insisted. "Twilight Sparkle is a great mare to know, and she'll be a _fantastic _aunt."

"I don't doubt it," Shining Armor sighed. "But you can't deny that she has a tendency to be...what's the word I'm looking for?" He thought hard, various possibilities flashing through his mind, and then he finished with, "Obsessive. Obsessive compulsive. Whichever fits."

"And maybe the whole princess thing has calmed her down a bit."

He laughed. "You're funny, Cadance," he said, gently bumping her horn with his own. "But you're right. Let's break it to her."

* * *

Twilight Sparkle reacted _exactly _the way her big brother had predicted she would, with the exception of the "foal-proofing nature" bit. But there was still plenty of time for that, Cadance thought to herself, as she watched her sister-in-law go.

And go she did. She flew in loop-the-loops around the castle library, screaming "Yes! Yes! Yes!" at the top of her voice. She accidentally knocked her owl off his perch and onto the sleepy dragon that had come out of his nap to ask what she was yelling about this time. She had skidded to a stop and knocked Shining Armor aside like he was a living bowling pin. And then she had started to search for proper books.

Spike looked from the mare he'd grown up with to the visiting royal couple, and let go of the irritated bird to make a demand. "Will _somepony _tell me who dropped the happy pills into Twilight's water this time?"

"This time?" Cadance and Shining Armor questioned in unison. But then a large book fell to the ground, and three pairs of eyes stared at it in wonder. The cover was missing, but Twilight seemed to know exactly what it was, anyway. She flipped it open to a place where there were pictures, though fortunately the pictures weren't too descriptive.

"I knew this thing would come in handy someday!" Twilight cheered, bouncing up and down in excitement like a purple Pinkie Pie. "I found it in a box of old books I bought at a yard sale, back when I was re-stocking, and the box was packed with a collection that made no sense at all. But I got it and unpacked it anyway and kept it around because I made a bet with Dad about this, and now I get to -"

"Twilight?" Cadance said softly, but the younger mare was still babbling.

" - and you and Shining Armor...oh! This is too exciting! Do Mom and Dad know? I'll bet they're excited, because I sure am -"

"Twilie?" Shining Armor called, nervously waving a hoof in front of his sister's face. She didn't seem to notice it.

" - and now it's _finally _happening, a little filly or colt, a little _you _running around -"

"TWILIGHT!" Spike bellowed, finally cutting into her rambling. He'd pieced it together from her comments, but he seemed more amused at his friend than excited. "I know you're happy about being an aunt, but before you run off to the Crystal Empire to help your brother, why don't you just _congratulate them and move on?_"

Twilight felt heat flood her face. "I wasn't planning on running off to help them," she mumbled, pretending that Spike didn't know her well enough to figure out what she was eventually going to be thinking of. But she apologized, and started away, clearly embarrassed.

Cue Pinkie Pie calling Twilight's name through the door, and Twilight let her in without moving. She fell into an uncharacteristic silence as she spotted the book, still lying open as Shining Armor tried to read it without being noticed. Her eyes drifted from the book to the unicorn, then to the book again. To Twilight, back to the book, to Cadance, to Shining Armor, to the book, to Twilight, to Spike.

And then there was an almost audible _click._

"Twilight?" she called, rushing to grab her purple friend before something could go wrong. "Why didn't you tell me your brother and Princess Cadance were coming?"

"I don't know. It kind of surprised me."

"And why, exactly, did they come here without a warning?"

Twilight looked nervously toward the visiting rulers, and Shining Armor just used his magic to close the book. "You can tell her," he finally said. "I think she knows, anyway."

Twilight sighed. "Fine. But you have to remember, you can't spread this like a rumor, ok?"

"Why? Is it a secret? A super-top-secret that only royal ponies are supposed to know?"

"It's not anything like that," Cadance reassured her. "We just...haven't told the other princesses yet."

"Yes, Mom and Dad already know," Shining Armor said before his sister could ask.

Cadance looked to her husband for support, and finished with, "Pinkie Pie...your friend Twilight is going to be an aunt."

Pinkie's mouth fell open. Clearly, whatever idea she'd had was nothing close to this. "Oh, I'm _so _happy for you guys! You have no idea how relieved I am that it wasn't Twilight!"

"Me?" Twilight repeated, dumbstruck. "What made you think it was me? You know I rarely even talk to stallions."

"I know!" Pinkie cried. "And that's exactly why I was so relieved! I worried that you'd gotten abducted by aliens, who transplanted a foal into you and sent you back down here!" At the stares of basically everybody, she just stared back. "I saw a picture or two in the book. What was I supposed to think?"

"Anything else," Twilight said as she fought the urge to slam her face into said book. "Really, Pinkie, if you saw the pictures and saw Cadance and Shining Armor, the logical conclusion would be that it's _them_, don't you agree?"

"Logic? What fun is there in logic?" The statement seemed to trigger something in the party pony's memory, and she quickly remembered why she was there. "Oh, yeah, Discord's at Fluttershy's, and she can't leave him alone with all those animals. So she sent me to ask if you had a book on...what was it again? Right, I remember now, it was on pet treat recipes. She lost hers."

"Did she lose it, or did Discord eat it?"

"Who knows," Pinkie said, not really caring. "So, do you have one?"

"I'll help look," Spike offered, and mere moments later, Pinkie Pie bounced out the door with a white book firmly in her teeth.

* * *

Pinkie heard Discord before she opened the door. "Fluttershy! The stupid cat's at it again!"

"Leave him alone, Discord," Fluttershy's quiet voice instructed. "He'll get bored eventually."

"He is _sleeping_ on _me."_

"That just means he likes you!"

And then Discord said something even Pinkie Pie had to agree with: "Why?"

But that was when a hoof pounding on her door distracted Fluttershy from her conversation. When Pinkie was let in, she did indeed see the tiny white kitten that Fluttershy had named Hopscotch curled up right between Discord's horns, and that the god of chaos appeared to be sitting in a time-out.

"It's purring," Discord was saying, staring irritably at the wall. "Please tell me that means it's going to explode."

"Don't ask," Fluttershy warned, before taking the book from her friend. "Thank you for finding the book for me."

But Pinkie didn't leave. Instead, she stood there with a big smile on her face. "Do you have any duct tape?"

"Duct tape? Why?"

"Because, Twilight and her brother and Princess Cadance told me something, and I didn't exactly Pinkie Promise, but Twilight still said it's not supposed to be public knowledge yet, so can either of you help me close my mouth for about six hours?"

"Gladly," said Discord, and suddenly, Pinkie Pie's mouth was clutched in his paw.

Fluttershy wasn't amused. "Discord, give it back," she scolded. "She needs that to eat."

"She asked me to," Discord pointed out, and Pinkie nodded.

"But that's hers," Fluttershy reminded him. "I won't have my friend starve to death because you took her request out of context." When Discord remained indecisive, Fluttershy sighed. "You'll get another Good Boy Star."

Whatever this 'Good Boy Star' was, the promise of one seemed to affect Discord, and not only did Pinkie get her mouth back, she found a lollipop inside it.

She took a lick, and found that it wasn't even earthworm-flavored. It was even, dare she say it, delicious. "Mmmmm...cherry!"

Fluttershy flew up to pat Discord on the head, being extra careful to pet the kitten curled there, too. "There, you see? That wasn't so difficult, was it?"

Pinkie spat out the lollipop stick, which clattered perfectly into Fluttershy's garbage can, the candy already gone. "But how am I going to keep this a secret? Princess Celestia and Princess Luna don't know yet. And if I still have my mouth, and I'm this happy for her family, how can I keep it shut?"

"Well, I don't know about that," Fluttershy admitted. "But I don't think you should ask Discord for help. You need to eat."

An almost visible light bulb went off in Pinkie's head. "That's it! I'll do nothing BUT eat until Twilight says I'm free to speak! You're a genius, Fluttershy!"

"I never suggested that," Fluttershy tried to protest, but Pinkie Pie had already knocked her out of the air with a hug.

"Do you have any food you can part with? Oh, never mind, you have Discord!"

Discord blinked. "She does?"

"Yes! You can make chocolate rain! I just want a personal chocolate raincloud to follow me everywhere! And then I'll stuff my face until I can't think about Twilight's news anymore! And then I won't tell anypony, because I won't think about it!"

"But Princess Celestia says I'm not allowed to rewrite reality on a whim anymore. I'm supposed to wait for somepony to ask for my magic help and charge for my services."

"But I don't have any money."

"That's all right, you can pay me in cake. Or, you could take a third option..."

He let the bait hang there for a second. And then the pink pony bit it. "What's the third option?"

"One chocolate raincloud...in exchange for your soul." He held out a long, official-looking paper, with strange words written across it. "What do you say, Miss Pie?"

Pinkie examined the contract, carefully studying, and then shook her head. "Nah. My soul is worth way more than one little raincloud. I'll go with the cake."

"Very well," said Discord with a disappointed sigh, making the contract vanish. "I'll collect tomorrow. As of now..."

One snap of his fingers, and Pinkie Pie was outside, a pink cloud pouring chocolate milk down on her. She rushed to the window, squealing loudly, and placed her front hooves on the open window, the chocolate rain turning her pink mane brown and soaking into her coat.

"Thank you, Discord!" she cheered. "Now I can keep from telling all of Ponyville that Twilight's gonna be an auntie!"

There was a beat of dead silence. Pinkie, realizing what she'd done, turned and ran all the way home, trying not to reveal any more. Discord and Fluttershy didn't even get to blink.

"Well, then," Fluttershy managed after a few moments, watching the cloud of dust shaped like her friend fall apart. "That's exciting."

"Oh, definitely," Discord agreed, pulling the cat from his head. "On a completely unrelated note, where do you keep the rabbits?"

"I don't think I should be telling you this," Fluttershy replied, taking the kitty from her unlikely friend. "Usually, when you say it's 'completely unrelated,' there's somehow a direct relation."

Discord refused to budge. "So, on a completely related note, where do you keep the rabbits?"

* * *

Two weeks later was the Grand Galloping Gala. Cadance and Shining Armor had promised to attend, at Twilight's insistence. Fluttershy had explained to Discord that with the baby and everything, Twilight wanted to make sure the pink princess would be protected. Of course, Discord and Spike privately agreed that, now that pretty much all of Equestria knew the news, if anypony tried to hurt Cadance, the rest of the ponies would enter a violent rampage.

Discord hadn't really intended to go to such an event, even after he'd reformed, and he doubted that Celestia and Luna would approve of his presence. But after hearing of his friend's first Gala experience, he had decided to liven things up a bit, Good Boy Stars or not.

"But you are aware of what a broken Star Streak does, aren't you?"

Discord spun around to face the mirror Princess Twilight had given him after the Tirek Incident, and his reflection stared back, challenging him. "What about it? The reward is just cake."

"It's not just any cake," the reflection taunted. "It's the most delicious cake in all of Equestria. Remember?"

Yes, Discord did remember. It was nothing like the cake Pinkie Pie had made for him in exchange for the raincloud and saving her soul, though that one was pretty good. It was even better than any cake he conjured for himself. THIS cake...this cake was baked by Fluttershy and her animal friends, Disney-princess style. He had absolutely no idea how they had managed to smother three different flavors of icing so evenly, or how they had arranged the gummy worms into a sun shape without messing up or leaving little birdie footprints in the perfect frosting. It was almost as beautiful as it was tasty, and it was why Discord was so interested in getting those Good Boy Stars.

But the cake was nowhere near as beautiful as a crashed Gala would be. That's what Discord told himself, anyway, and quite literally with his reflection.

"Of course," said the Discord in the mirror. "But beauty is second to effect, remember? Well, that's what our dear friend Fluttershy is trying to teach you."

Discord coughed into his paw. The reflection noticed that the cough sounded remarkably like "Buzzkill."

"I'm your conscience, Discord," the reflection said lazily. "It'd do you some good to listen to me once in a while."

Discord deliberately paid no attention.

* * *

"Twilight, I'm fine," Cadance said for the eighth time that night. "I've been saying this for the past ten minutes."

The younger princess stared. "But...you're pregnant," she pointed out, and Cadance laughed.

"Yes," she agreed. "Is there a point to any of this?"

"What if something goes wrong?"

Cadance glanced toward her husband, who was deep in conversation with a few noble stallions about what, exactly, the purpose of the Crystal Heart was. "You know, Twilight, you're more paranoid than he is. Shouldn't you let your brother handle the worrying?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "He's probably assumed that I'll handle the worry, anyway. I'm just doing my job."

Cadance let her have that one. "There's no foal alive that will be more protected than mine, I suppose," she said softly. "You, me, Shining Armor, the entire Crystal Empire..."

"And don't forget about me, dear princess."

Twilight's teeth ground together, and both sisters-in-law swirled around to face the new arrival. Discord waved cheerfully, and Twilight noticed with some irritation that at least he'd dressed for the occasion, if in a sloppy, uneven sort of way. A brown vest, a tie he seemed to have given up on tying halfway, an enormous top hat balanced on one of his horns...

"What do you want this time, Discord?" Twilight demanded, as Shining Armor came to see what his little sister was so irritated with.

Discord patted the young alicorn on the head, making soft tutting sounds. "All in time, Twilight Sparkle," he assured her. "Aren't you just happy to see me?"

Twilight grumbled something incomprehensible. Discord wasn't entirely sure, but he might have caught the phrase "Lunatic at a formal party" somewhere in there, followed immediately by something about Celestia. But Discord was more interested in Cadance and Shining Armor.

"We meet again, Princess Cadance! And, by the way, you look particularly lovely this evening -"

"I don't forgive you," Cadance said shortly.

Discord paid no attention, focusing on the unicorn instead. "And this must be the soon-to-be father!" he cheered, gripping one of the startled prince's hooves in both his hands. "I've heard all about the Equestria Games from Spike, another good friend of mine -"

"Let him go, Discord." Twilight's sentence was more of a command, and Discord immediately released Shining Armor's hoof. He knew his place. "Why are you even here?"

"Well," Discord explained, "I've heard that the Gala tends to be a boring affair. So, I decided I could...assist. Not to mention I wanted to give my congratulations to the expecting couple. Forgive my use of that word," he added, looking back to the rulers of the Crystal Empire. "But I love it when the word 'expecting' is used when talking about a baby. It makes it seem like there can be more than one outcome."

"You are NOT turning my niece or nephew into something else!" Twilight ordered, grabbing Discord's attention once again. "And what do you mean by 'assist,' Discord?"

"Oh, it's nothing TOO horrible," Discord promised. "Your niece or nephew is going to be completely unharmed at the end of it. I just brought some friends along to liven up the party."

And he casually snapped his fingers, bringing a large group of rabbits to the center of the stage. Their sudden appearance, dressed in marching band outfits and carrying tiny instruments, startled the musicians Princess Luna had chosen, and they watched in fascinated horror as the rabbits took the stage.

"Oh, dear," Celestia whispered, her attention drawn away.

Luna just downed an entire cup of punch in one gulp.

"Your Highness, I know it's not my place to question you, but...was that alcoholic?" one of the unicorn guards asked, and the moon princess sighed.

"I neither know nor care. Stay with me tonight, just in case."

The guard gave an impressive death glare to another unicorn guard, this one white with a brown mane and a Taser cutie mark. The Taser unicorn looked back, apparently unfazed, and returned to standing still as a statue by the door. Luna followed the first guard's stare, and had to force her eyes away from the white stallion.

"Be very, VERY close," she ordered quietly, and the guard nodded his agreement.

The bunnies on stage didn't seem to care much for their new outfits and tiny instruments, and threw them all at Discord. He somehow managed to avoid all the attacks, but the bunny rebellion was too far gone for him to assume any type of control. They ran amok, crashing into the pony partygoers and hopping on the snack table. The entire royal family just stood there, letting it all sink in, and then Discord gave a great shout.

"Look at that!" he cheered, clapping his hands in excitement as if he were a little boy as they started chowing down on the refreshments. "Do you see it? Oh, look, the little things are hungry!"

Twilight's left eye twitched, but then the whole truth of the situation hit her like Scootaloo's scooter. There was only one army of bunnies that would even tolerate Discord's presence. "DISCORD! Put those bunnies back where you found them, or I swear -"

"DISCORD!"

This shout did not belong to Shining Armor, nor was it or any of the guests, guards or princesses. No, it was Fluttershy, and she was much more angry than he had ever seen her.

Luna looked from Discord to the new arrival, and immediately downed another cup of punch.

"Why...hello, Fluttershy," Discord started, managing to scoop up a tail full of bunnies behind his back, pretending he didn't notice the formally-dressed ponies huddled together in fear. "What brings you all the way to the Gala? Didn't your previous experience end in -"

"_Where. Are. My. Bunnies_?" Fluttershy snarled, giving Discord the very same Stare she'd become rather famous for. Like any creature would do, even with the fortunate immunity he himself possessed, he gulped, and tried to make it out as if it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it seemed.

"Well you see...I have some of them in my tail..." he held out his tail and the small balls of fuzz within, "and the others are, how do you say it? Ah, yes, I know: Les autres lapins mènent une résistance."

Fluttershy did not know what language he was speaking, but one word could easily be translated: "résistance." And it did not go well with her.

"You mean to tell me that my rabbits are out there, leading a _resistance?"_

"Oh, I'm sorry," said Discord casually. "It seems I misspoke. Your rabbits _are _a resistance."

"This one's trying to eat my flesh!" a Pegasus mare cried out, and Fluttershy rushed out to pull the offending creature off her leg.

"I'm so sorry," she apologized. "I don't know what got into Discord...he usually hates formal events..."

"I never said that," Discord protested. "I said I hated how boring these parties tend to get. I love formal events, especially when this kind of stuff happens."

Fluttershy ignored him, flying around and pulling rabbits off of the terrified guests. After pulling one particularly clingy female from Luna's mane, and a male attempted to make off with Celestia's crown, she finally came back to Discord, placing her captures into the basket she'd made him conjure for that very purpose.

"Is this all of them?" she asked, and the rabbits inside the baskets shook their heads in unison. "Who are we missing?"

Twilight facehooved as she looked back up at the stage, where there stood one single bunny, sharpening a carrot to a point. "Angel," she groaned. "He brought _Angel_ to the party."

Fluttershy glared. Discord held up his hands in surrender. "Honestly, Fluttershy. Who did _you_ think was leading the rabbit rebellion?"

Luna gave the punch bowl a longing look, and Celestia sighed.

"Go for it," she said simply. "We have a spare bowl in the kitchen."

Luna summoned a straw, stuck it in the bowl, and began chugging.

* * *

Celestia paced in front of the remaining guests, Shining Armor having placed Discord inside a barrier he couldn't even teleport out of. Or perhaps he didn't want to teleport out, knowing perfectly well that he was up to his antler in doo-doo.

"This," the solar princess said, not bothering to look at any of them, "was an absolute disaster. Fluttershy, how could you let Discord get away from you with your rabbits?"

"I'm sorry, Your Highness," Fluttershy whispered, much more calm after she'd stopped Angel from attempting to skewer Discord with the sharpened carrot. "I promise, he'll lose an entire week of Good Boy Stars for this."

Discord's face fell. "A week?" he whined, and Fluttershy nodded solemnly. "But the Good Boy Stars go on a day-to-day basis! You can't take a whole week of stars for something stupid I did one night!"

"Then you should have thought about that before you kidnapped my bunnies and released them at a formal event."

"They were a marching band! They just got hungry on their trip over, that's all! A bit power-hungry, I'll admit, but -"

"And did you magically give them the skills necessary to be a marching band?" At Discord's sad shake of the head, Fluttershy extended a wing in a way that could be interpreted as 'Talk to the hand.' "I will need to see your calendar, Discord. And give me a pen."

"Why don't you just throw a knife at my chest?" Discord grumped.

"Don't think I haven't thought about it," Twilight warned. "But then you'd survive, and clearly, pain is less of an incentive to you than a big chocolate cake with three kinds of icing...and perfectly-arranged gummy worm decorations on top..."

"That's enough torture, Twilight," Cadance said, noticing how Discord seemed to mime being stabbed with each X Fluttershy made across his 'Good Boy Calendar.' "You're going to make him cry."

"It's not like he doesn't deserve it," Twilight pointed out, but Celestia shushed them both.

And then Fluttershy finished her mission, and the princess 'poofed' the calendar away. "It's all taken care of, Princess Celestia," Fluttershy whispered, paying no attention to the way Discord pretended to die right there in the bubble, complete with a gravestone.

"Good." Celestia thought something over a bit more, and then returned her attention to the Pegasus. "Say, Fluttershy? Do you want to make your Discord-sitting job a little easier?"

"Easier, Your Highness?"

Celestia nodded, and stomped her right front hoof three times. Out from behind a door came a white unicorn stallion, with a brown mane, an uncombed tail, and a very unusual cutie mark. Nopony gathered had ever seen one before.

"This is to be Discord's...extra help. Perhaps he can help him find a way to earn more of those Good Boy Stars."

"I don't need help! I can earn that cake all on my own!"

"You just got a whole week taken off!" Shining Armor reminded him, and Discord cringed.

"A sad, sad day," he mumbled, but did not speak again.

The unicorn guard nodded once. "I will do as commanded, Princess," he said with a bow, and grabbed the unmoving Discord by the tail, dragging him home.

Twilight sighed. Keeping Discord under control was going to be the most difficult challenge yet, and as Princess of Friendship, she had to take it whether she wanted to or not. She just hoped he'd learn to behave himself around her upcoming niece or nephew...


	2. Stupidity and Stomachaches

**This was intended to be funny. Whether or not it succeeded is up to you.**

It was a few weeks after the Gala that the former bearers of the Elements of Harmony came to a realization. Well, that Pinkie Pie came to a realization and shared it with the others, but that was pretty much the same thing.

"Twilight, you've had your castle for a whole year!" she gasped, looking up at the magnificent building standing strong in Ponyville. "You know what this means, right?"

"Let me guess," said the princess, holding up a hoof and trying not to smile. "Um...is it a party, by any chance?"

Pinkie's eyes lit up at the mention. "I thought I'd just get you a present, but that's even better! Can we have a party? Please? And we can invite everyone who gave us our keys..."

"Not the Breezies," Fluttershy reminded her. "They probably wouldn't make it."

"Fine, then. And Rarity's friend is probably busy with her new fashion career..." she thought hard. "But we can definitely have Discord and _maybe_ what's-his-face that gave Applejack that coin..." She tapped her chin with her hoof, obviously considering the pros and cons of inviting a certain Mr. Cheese Sandwich. On the one hoof, he was a really fun guy, Spike should probably have more males present than just himself and Discord, and she really, really liked him. On the other hoof, Twilight wasn't exactly a fan of having fireworks in her castle, and they all knew that if Pinkie and Cheese came together, fireworks were almost certain.

"Just us seven would be good enough," Twilight said instead, pulling Spike into a hug with her right front leg to show she included him in the group as well. "We'll discuss the guest list later. You don't even need to invite Discord. Please don't invite Discord."

Pinkie thought it over, then shook her head. "I will make no such promises," she said, "but I can just not tell him. If he figures it out on his own, then we can invite him."

Rainbow Dash facehooved. "No, Pinkie. We can't let Discord go to a party ever again. Remember the Gala story?"

"Oh, come on!" Pinkie whined. "It's not like he's bringing kidnapped rabbits to a formal party thrown by the princesses! He'll be bringing himself and some of his more fun chaos to a party-like party for one princess!"

"I still don't want Discord to bring any kind of chaos here," Twilight tried protesting, "but I suppose that there's no real way around it. If Discord invites himself to this party, we'll treat him like a real guest."

* * *

Discord watched the ponies from a shiny rock-turned-television as he relaxed in a pool of gelatin, chuckling to himself. So they were planning a party without him, were they? That kind of hurt, but it wasn't as if they had _un_invited him.

"I know what you're thinking," his talking reflection called from the hall. "And I wouldn't do it if I were you."

"Ha, ha, ha," Discord said sarcastically. "Give me one reason why not to do it."

"Well, for one, your Keeper is in the room."

Discord spared a brief glance at the pony with the Taser cutie mark, who stood silently in one corner of the room. And then he waved it off. "Don't worry, I know how to get rid of him."

"Do you really?" the reflection challenged, and Discord suddenly teleported both himself and his warden in front of the mirror so the reflection could see. There was a loud sound, like a cat suddenly being stepped on, and Discord momentarily noticed that the little creature his dear friend called Hopscotch had, indeed, placed his tail right under the dragon foot. He barely paid any attention.

Discord threw a stick down the hallway, with a cry of "Fetch!" The unicorn didn't move, and the cat simply stared after it. That made the draconequus very irritated, and the look he gave his warden could easily have been called his version of Fluttershy's Stare. "Listen here, buddy. When somepony says 'Fetch,' the general idea is to..."

But he was cut off as an electric-blue aura surrounded his Keeper's horn. The next thing Discord knew, he was being zapped with the type of electricity that would seriously hurt mortal ponies. He himself could shake it off in a matter of moments, but the fact was, the spell had taken quite a bit out of him.

"Why," he managed as he resurfaced, "did the princesses ever decide to get rid of you?"

"Princess Luna," was the only reply.

"You electrocuted Princess Luna?"

"No," the Taser unicorn admitted, "but I have come close a few times. I respect my princesses, but there were times when I saw Nightmare Moon threatening to return. All false alarms, of course," he added carefully. Discord nodded as if he cared. "She and Princess Celestia were not entirely grateful for my assistance in protecting Equestria."

"I can imagine." Discord thought things over carefully, and then he laughed to himself. "Well, Princess Twilight did say that if I invited myself, I would be treated as if I had been invited to the party. Why not show up, have a few snacks, laugh at Spike, club Spike, throw things at Spike..."

There was a tiny meow coming from somewhere by his left ear. Discord pulled the offending creature from his shoulder, regarding it with obvious distaste. "And perhaps offer him a cat," he added, as the small white kitten purred in his grasp. "He's constantly escaping Fluttershy's house. Perhaps living in a castle will keep him from getting out."

Hopscotch meowed again, not entirely sure what the strange-looking pony creature was saying but enjoying him anyway.

"Yes, you worthless pile of trash," Discord said, scratching the kitten behind the ear in a way some might interpret as affectionate. It wasn't. He'd insist on that later on. "You and I get to go to a party."

One more meow, and Discord had teleported himself and the kitten to Fluttershy's, leaving the guard alone.

* * *

Three weeks later, Twilight's party was going off without much of a hitch. Of course, there were a few more than six ponies and one dragon in attendance. Zecora had been invited simply because the group liked her, and Big McIntosh and the Cutie Mark Crusaders had come specifically because of their relation to the former Element wielders.

At the moment, Sweetie Belle was making jokes about "some guy who Rarity's been writing to" and teasing her sister and the princess about love, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were learning all about Pinkie Pie's party cannon, Spike and Big Mac were making plans to get out and do guy stuff together sometime, the pair of pegasi were triple-checking the enormous disco ball installed on the ceiling, and Applejack was laughing hysterically over a story Zecora had told.

And then all fell silent as Discord entered the room, the white kitten on his shoulders. He looked around at the startled-looking group, and grinned maniacally. "Is that how things are going to be? How sad. I come all this way to pay a visit to Fluttershy, and this is how I'm treated?"

Fluttershy lowered herself down to Discord's level, clearly not amused. "Discord, I thought we agreed you'd get an extra Good Boy Star if you stayed behind and fed the animals for me."

"I did," Discord said indignantly. "Why, you know it only takes a snap of my fingers! I thought I'd try to make up for the incident at the Gala, but if I'm unwanted..."

"If redemption is what you seek," said Zecora, her eyes filled with a loathing that Twilight was sure had been absent the last time she'd seen Discord and Zecora in the same area, "then why are you in Princess Twilight's castle?"

There was an audible screech as all the ponies, plus one dragon and one draconequus, all realized at once that she hadn't rhymed. Twilight looked over at Discord, who seemed rather embarrassed at the involuntary use of his power, but still stunned.

Apple Bloom was the first to speak. "Uh, Zecora?" she asked uncertainly, and the seething hatred disappeared from the zebra's eyes the moment she looked at her young filly friend. "I don't really mind, it's your life, but...you didn't rhyme."

Zecora nodded once. "I speak in rhyme to show I mean no hostility," she explained. Then she pointed an accusing hoof at Discord. "He is in the room!"

Fluttershy, as irritated as she was with Discord for numerous reasons, was nonetheless quick to jump to his defense. "Oh, Zecora, I know he's done plenty of bad things in the past...too many to count...but that doesn't mean he's not at least trying to redeem himself -"

"He killed Jimmy!" Zecora announced, and the entire room fell into a second round of silence.

This time, it was broken by Discord. "Jimmy's death was a tragic accident," he said through his teeth. "I didn't know it was even possible to literally release the kraken!"

Twilight looked confused, and Apple Bloom covered her mouth with her hooves. "I don't understand. Who was Jimmy?"

"Jimmy was Zecora's kraken," Apple Bloom explained. "I don't know if he was her pet or not, but he lived with her. I met him when I visited her once..." she shook her head, in disbelief rather than sadness. "I can't believe he's really gone."

"You killed Zecora's pet?" Fluttershy gasped, and then she looked down at the zebra. "You had a pet kraken?"

"A small kraken, it was true," she confessed. "But he is no more...thanks to you," she added, once more focusing on Discord.

"Well, at least you're rhyming again," he said hopefully, and Zecora shook her head.

"That," she said harshly, "was merely habit."

Pinkie Pie thought something over, and pulled Zecora aside. A brief conversation later, and Zecora had returned to the party. She seemed to be ignoring Discord rather than accusing him, though Fluttershy was worried about the white cat's safety now that she knew that Zecora's pet was dead. Discord noticed and dropped the overgrown cotton ball into her hooves.

"He was drooling, anyway," he told her bluntly. "I'd keep an eye on him if I were you. I know you love your animal friends, but I'll be honest: that cat is a wet match in a dark cave."

Fluttershy looked down at the kitten, who seemed to be squirming to get back to Discord. He certainly hadn't seen what horrors the creature was capable of...but she held him closer, and he purred in her ear. "Hopscotch isn't stupid," she insisted. "He's just a baby. He hasn't learned any better yet."

Hopscotch meowed, seemingly in agreement.

_"Can_ he learn, Fluttershy?" Discord challenged, but Applejack stepped in.

"Look, I know the whole pet conversation is a can of worms that we opened against our will, but Pinkie got Zecora to let it go for now, if only for the sake of Twilight's castle." She shook her head. "It wouldn't be a good thing if Zecora threw ya through a wall."

Discord looked offended at the possibility of losing a fight to an unarmed zebra, especially now that she had no kraken to protect her, but he wisely chose to keep his mouth shut. The reason for this became obvious as another uninvited guest opened the door: a white unicorn stallion with a brown mane, a Taser for a cutie mark, and a tail that looked as though the bottom half had been charred by some bizarre accident that was more than likely exceedingly chaotic.

Fluttershy let out a 'meep' and hid behind Spike and Big Mac. Spike took one look at the cowering Pegasus, looked back at the still-silent unicorn moving to stand in the corner, and looked over at the red stallion for confirmation.

Big Mac nodded, confirming that the dragon was seeing what he thought he was seeing. "Eeyup."

"All right," said Spike, and took another swig of the confirmed-nonalcoholic punch.

Hopscotch just wiggled around, trying to find his way out of Fluttershy's careful grasp and back to the easily-irritated draconequus.

* * *

It took some time, and a lot of explaining, but Zecora eventually accepted that Jimmy's death was, indeed, a tragic accident in which Discord had only slight involvement - that is, he let Jimmy out of the protective kraken tank in the first place through an unconscious use of reality-warping when playing pirates with the Crusaders, and the poor thing had started to swim through the Everfree Forest, where it had a horrible allergic reaction to Poison Joke. She kept silent for the most part, but she had started to rhyme again, and left the party early with a sad smile and the declaration that she needed to see if Jimmy Jr. had hatched yet.

Fluttershy had been torn between being excited about the possibility of seeing a baby kraken, and the terror that gnawed on her insides at the fact that baby krakens grew up to be full-grown krakens.

But Discord had brought gifts for the party guests: a big bag of candy for each of the ponies, and some gems for Spike. The Crusaders ran off with their bags and hid in a closet, giggling and shouting muffled thank-yous at Discord. Mac put his away so he could bring it back to the farm. And Pinkie practically inhaled her bag in one go, and turned to Rarity with a smile.

"Are you going to eat yours?"

Rarity, being Generosity, was completely willing to give anything to a friend, so long as she still had something for herself. But it wasn't her generosity that Pinkie was taking advantage of, it was the fact that she knew Rarity was not likely to want to have too much of this, since she didn't want to put on extra weight or have her teeth rot.

"Well, I suppose you can have it," said Rarity, looking into the bag. "Just let me pick out some for myself and -"

But Pinkie had already grabbed the bag and started inhaling its contents. Discord hid a smirk behind his paw, making it seem like he was stroking his beard. But that was when Pinkie Pie, much more sugar-crazed than usual, went on a rampage to beg her friends for their candy, sucking it all down as soon as they gave permission. Twilight turned to Discord angrily, and he just smiled back.

"Did you make these candies particularly addictive to cause some chaos without unleashing Fluttershy's wrath?" she demanded, and he shook his head, clearly amused.

"I had no idea she would react like this," he admitted. "Well, perhaps I knew it was a risk, but the point is, I thought the chances were low. It was just going to turn your teeth green for a few days, nothing much. I suppose the magical compound, which I intended to use to keep the color on your teeth even after brushing, made the candy even more addictive than usual." As the princess narrowed her eyes, he shrugged. "Accidents happen."

Spike stopped chomping on a sapphire to stare at it. "Did you do the same with the gems?" he asked uncertainly, and Discord thought it over.

"I was going to," he said, as Applejack tried to stop Pinkie from getting into her own bag. "But I didn't. I can if you want," he added, positioning his talons in a ready-to-snap way.

Spike shook his head and shoved the rest of the sapphire into his mouth, following it up with a nice, crunchy garnet.

Without warning, the Cutie Mark Crusaders burst out of the closet, all three sets of teeth stained a vicious, neon green. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom seemed happy, flashing them at anyone who looked, but Sweetie Belle was upset.

"Why didn't you warn us you poisoned the candy, Discord?' she asked quietly, and Discord patted her on the head.

"Two reasons. First, it was funny. And second, you aren't going to die." He shrugged. "It'll go away in a few days."

"Promise?"

"A month, tops." He looked over at Pinkie, who had by now finished all six bags of her friends' candy and was currently trying to get a seventh from Big Mac. However, he had noticed how much his youngest sister seemed to enjoy having green-stained teeth, and was flatly replying "Nope" to everything Pinkie tried.

Spike looked down at the half-empty bag of rocks in front of him, and held them out to the pink party pony. "Do you want my gems, too, Pinkie?"

Pinkie momentarily diverted her attention. "Are they candy gems?"

Spike munched on an emerald, considering, and shook his head. Pinkie smiled, her own teeth stained the same shade of green as the fillies. "You can keep them, then."

Spike looked around at the other ponies. "Do any of you want a gem?" he asked, as if hoping they would all turn him down.

Twilight laughed. "It's all right, Spike," she said quietly. "They're your snacks. The most use we'll get out of them is jewelry." Spike seemed happy with this, and proceeded to crunch away on another gemstone.

The chaos suddenly came to a halt as Pinkie, without warning, dropped onto her side. For a moment, they all assumed she'd died, but then she let out a loud snore. Discord immediately donned a scientist's lab coat and glasses, making an experimental note on a clipboard.

"It seems that overindulgence leads to complete crash," he muttered to himself as he scribbled. "Must tone it down next time if desired results are to be achieved..."

That was when the white stallion, formerly watching and waiting for his charge to fix what he'd broken, lowered his horn threateningly. Discord, terrified of something Twilight was unsure of, vanished immediately. The stallion looked at Big Mac, and said in a creepy monotone, "I'll be taking that candy, sir."

Big Mac didn't even comment as the guy levitated the bag of candy Discord had given him away. "Eeyup."

Scootaloo looked over at Spike, his bag of gems in particular. "So, why didn't he enchant those?" she asked, her head tilted curiously. "Aren't they like, dragon candy or something?"

"He must know that Twilight doesn't let me have effect-inducing treats," Spike explained. "Not since the incident with the Pop Rocks avalanche."

"You're just lucky Owlowiscious got out of there before the soda bottle burst," Twilight scolded, the memory of said incident clear in her mind.

The stallion didn't ask. He was fairly certain he didn't want to know. He was even more certain that it was not his problem, and that the princess herself could deal with whatever dragon-induced goo was leaking out of her castle this week.

Spike didn't seem to mind any of it, though. Instead, he simply shuffled off to his bedroom, bag of gems in hand, and told Twilight to come and get him when it was time to clean up.

Pinkie woke long enough to smile at her friends. "The candy coma is setting in," she declared, and plopped over once again.

Hopscotch pounced on her big, fluffy tail and curled up there, giving an adorable kitty yawn before he, too, went to sleep.


	3. Farmers and Freaks

**And now, a look into the Apple family's life now that Discord is truly reformed...or, well, reforming. We might have massacred their accents and forgotten a few details, but they're mostly the same.**

"Don't you worry 'bout nothin' Granny Smith," said Applejack, her head held high as she waved to her grandmother. "You just focus on enjoyin' this little birthday trip. The three of us managed to get it together for ya, we can handle the farm."

"Oh, I know you can," the old mare laughed. She gave each of her grandchildren a surprisingly strong hug before climbing into the carriage that would take her to Appleoosa. "I just hope little Apple Bloom can handle the new responsibility."

Apple Bloom made a face, but it amused the others. "I can handle the chores I already have just fine," she huffed. "A few new ones won't be too much different." She suddenly looked up at her brother, clearly concerned. "Will they?"

He didn't answer, instead focusing on helping his grandmother get all of her bags into the carriage. That didn't calm the young pony at all.

* * *

Apple Bloom didn't know which was worse: the fact that no apple-bucking cutie mark was coming up, or the fact that even the small number of trees her siblings had trusted her to harvest were seeming to look like way too much work for such a small filly.

But both paled in comparison to when she went to buck one tree, and the apples fell _up_. And what fell _down_ was...

"Discord?"

The draconequus stirred, woken from his slumber not by the impact of his body with the ground but by the voice of the small earth pony, who was, he realized, staring at him with something similar to concern. Realizing where he was, and who he was talking to, he blearily sat up and looked around.

"Applejack's on the other end of the farm, if you're lookin' for her," Apple Bloom said uncertainly, wondering what he was planning to do.

Discord didn't pay attention, but the apples suddenly dropped from the sky and landed neatly in her basket. Then, without warning, he looked back at the young farmer.

"You don't happen to see a white unicorn anywhere, do you?"

"A white unicorn? Well, Sweetie Belle showed up a couple days ago..."

"I'm sure she did, but I'm asking about a stallion. White, brown mane, a Taser butt tattoo -"

"Cutie mark," Apple Bloom corrected immediately.

"Yes, that." Discord scampered back up the tree. "If you see him, tell him I did not touch the kraken this time and that Zecora's lying."

A kraken? "Did Jimmy Jr. hatch?" Apple Bloom asked excitedly, and Discord shrugged.

"How the hay should I know? My castle is on the other side of Ponyville for a reason." He looked upset, as if there were nothing he would like more than to live in the middle of the Everfree Forest but wasn't allowed after the last kraken incident. But then he seemed to process that it was a harvest day, and he got an absolutely wicked grin.

Apple Bloom knew exactly what he was going to say. "I will not be your alibi, Discord."

"Was that what I was asking?" he stroked his beard in thought. "And here I thought I was asking to do a good deed...helping friends on the farm is a good deed, I presume?"

"Um..." Apple Bloom looked away, toward where her brother and sister were out working, and then turned back to Discord curiously. "What do you know about farmin' apples?"

"Absolutely nothing," Discord said bluntly. "But that's the point of learning, isn't it?"

"Well...that _is _what Cheerilee says," Apple Bloom admitted. "All right, gimme a second. I'm thinkin' of the pros and cons."

Discord went silent, allowing her to think. Apple Bloom tapped her chin with her hoof.

Pro: Discord would be a big help with his magic.

Con: Discord's magic always had been a bit on the 'unpredictable' side.

Pro: Discord could turn himself into a pony and help her.

Con: Discord might make the apples explode.

Pro: Applejack hadn't said anything about getting help, Scootaloo was busy with flying lessons, and Sweetie Belle was up in Canterlot for the weekend with Rarity and their parents.

"Fine," she sighed. "I'll be your alibi. But if you get a Good Boy Cake this week, I get a slice."

Discord's eyes lit up. "Thank you, Apple Bloom," he said sincerely. "I promise, you will not regret this."

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. "Why do I find that so hard to believe?"

* * *

Applejack had expected just another day at the farm, and then a meeting at Twilight's castle to help her with her royal duties. She had expected to finish up there, go back home to her brother and sister, throw back some apple juice, and go to bed.

She certainly did not expect her little sister to be taking a nap in the shade of a tree, almost as if she was expecting the apples to drop themselves. Applejack clearly wasn't amused.

"Apple Bloom!" she cried, startling the filly awake. One of the apples fell from the tree and conked the small earth pony on the head before bouncing into the basket. "What in tarnation do you think you're doing?"

Apple Bloom pointed up into the tree with one hoof. There, lazing on one of the branches, was Discord, the apples rapidly swelling, de-ripening, and returning to normal as they tried to make up their minds on which one would be dropped next. "He was helpin' me harvest this last tree," she pointed out. "He said he could handle it himself, so I let him."

Applejack gritted her teeth, and looked back at her sister. Apple Bloom hung her head, knowing perfectly well that she was going to get it.

"And what did you think that would accomplish, Apple Bloom?"

Discord snored rather pointedly, and a pear fell onto Applejack's head.

"He was helping," Apple Bloom protested. She looked up at Discord, and then back at her sister. "You know, in his own way."

Another apple fell from the tree and landed firmly in a basket, as if proving the child's point. Applejack glared up at the draconequus, but he still appeared to be asleep. She knew better, though.

Apple Bloom continued as if she hadn't noticed. "Well, since I figured I couldn't handle all this myself, and none of my friends were here to help, I got one of yours." She looked up at her sister, eyes shining. "He said his Keeper's after him again, Applejack," she added sadly. "I had to help him."

"His Keeper, his problem," the orange mare declared, and gave the tree Discord was in a firm buck. He toppled out, barely managing to catch himself before he hit the ground. The apples all piled onto his head, several getting stuck on his horn and antler.

Apple Bloom giggled. Discord pulled one from his antler and threw it at her, where it landed right in the basket.

"What was that for?" he demanded, wiping off the offending fruits from his head. "I was trying to help a friend."

"And get away from what's-his-name."

"Well, yes, that was a benefit," Discord agreed. "An important one, actually. But isn't it far more important that I was doing a Good Deed for once?"

"I don't think this'll get you a Good Boy Star, either," Applejack said, lifting one of the two apple baskets onto her back. "C'mon, Apple Bloom. Mac's waitin' in the barn."

"I'll be there in a minute," Apple Bloom promised, and waited until her sister was gone. "Thanks for 'assisting,' Discord," she said, surprisingly sincere for how reluctant she'd been to let him help in the first place. "You were actually pretty useful."

Discord looked offended. "You sound surprised," he pointed out, and Apple Bloom cleared her throat nervously.

"Well...you do have a history," she admitted. "There's a reason Fluttershy and the princesses set up the cake system."

"I'd object to that, but I know you're right." Discord coughed up a few stray apple seeds, and then his left ear twitched in another direction. He stared in that direction for a few seconds, and then his mouth fell open and he said a word that Apple Bloom dimly remembered Granny Smith yelling at Big Macintosh for saying several years back. Without warning, he'd vanished.

A moment later, a very tired-looking Rainbow Dash skidded to a halt right where he had been, looking very much like she was ready to hurt some pony.

"Applejack," she grunted before the Crusader could ask. "Pie. Where?"

Without even asking why the Pegasus wanted a pie right now, the red-haired earth pony was giving directions to where her sister most likely was. Rainbow was gone as quickly as she came, but Discord didn't return.

But at least he'd been teleporting the baskets to the barn for her, leaving her to carry only one on her back.

* * *

Big Mac had been dragging a whole collection of his own gatherings inside, and had dropped half of it in surprise when Discord had appeared in the middle of the area. The two made brief eye contact, and then the red pony dropped the rest of the apples and retreated into the house.

He returned a few moments later. Around his neck was a chain of garlic, a stake was in his teeth, and he was looking at Discord as if waiting for him to react.

And react he did. "Garlic? A stake? What do you think I am, a vampire?"

Big Mac just nodded, keeping the stake firmly grasped in his teeth. "Eeyup," he managed, though it was muffled a bit by the stake.

Discord frowned and crossed his arms over his chest. "That was hurtful," he grumped. "True, but hurtful."

The door to the barn banged open, and in stormed Applejack. "What did you do?" she accused, and Discord was genuinely confused. "Rainbow Dash drops outta the sky, demanding I make her an apple pie for a Wonderbolt friend of hers 'cause she has some sort of apologizing to do, and all of a sudden your little Keeper starts chargin' and demanding we hand you over! What did you do this time?"

A shadow fell across the floor, and Discord's Keeper stepped in, his horn lit up with a blue aura that only meant pain was coming. Discord looked down at him, a cross between defiance and terror in his eyes, and Applejack noticed that in addition to the half-burned tail from Twilight's castle-versary party(as Pinkie and Rainbow had jokingly dubbed it) he had half his mane shaved off. Only the front half, of course, likely brought on by another unusual chaos-related incident.

However, even she thought that planning to attack Discord for playing with your hair was a bit of disproportionate retribution. Surely throwing a rubber mallet at him would be useful? The guy must have known how to levitate objects, right?

Discord seemed to agree. "I had nothing to do with your injuries this time. It's not even an injury at all, you can learn a spell to make it grow back!"

"And your involvement with the zebra's second kraken?" the unicorn said, his monotone voice never shaking.

"Jimmy Jr. attacked me," Discord objected. "Was it my fault he lost a tentacle? It'll grow back, won't it?"

The unicorn looked around, and didn't even seem amused that the red stallion looked as if he was preparing to fight a vampire. Instead, he nodded at Big Mac, as if he'd come to the same conclusion himself. "Good decision, sir," he said bluntly. "Keep your family safe."

And then, before the earth ponies' startled eyes, he seemed to electrocute Discord with his lit horn before magically gripping his tail and dragging him home.

And that was when Rainbow Dash and Apple Bloom entered the barn, a borrowed saddlebag around the Pegasus's waist giving off the strong scent of fresh-baked apple pie. They looked around, and then Rainbow found her voice.

"What happened here?"

* * *

The next day found Twilight writing a letter. Well, Spike was writing it while Twilight was giving him instructions, just like from before she became a princess. This letter, unlike the ones from before, was not addressed to her teacher, but her big brother and his wife.

"Dear Cadance and Shining Armor," she said, and Spike's quill darted across the parchment faster than before. "I thought I should be the one to tell you in case of danger, but my friend Zecora has hatched a new pet. This is nothing to be concerned about at the moment, as Fluttershy and I are going to study it and help her train it. I just want you to know, in case a kraken manages to make it to the Crystal Empire, please don't kill it and just call us to take care of it for you."

"Are you sure you should be letting them know this?" Spike challenged, and Twilight just blinked. "Don't you think, in Cadance's _condition,_ it would be better to just let Zecora know that krakens aren't pets?"

"They knew about Jimmy Sr.," Twilight said, only a hint of uncertainty in her voice. "Apparently, they met him when they came to tell me about the baby. Besides, they're giving me updates on themselves and the baby, so I give them updates on myself and my friends. _And _they should be warned, just in case."

Spike had to agree that it was fair, and turned back to the letter. Twilight smiled and continued narrating.

"I hope everything at the Crystal Empire is going all right. If you need me for anything, all you have to do is let me know and I'll be on the next train." She smiled at the thought of her upcoming niece or nephew. "Your favorite sister, Twilight Sparkle."

Spike faithfully copied every word, and considered puffing it away with dragon fire. But then, he considered his options. If he mailed it through Equestria's mail system, he risked Twilight panicking when they hadn't sent her something right back, which would cause her to assume one of the three, or possibly her parents, were in danger she didn't know about. If he smoked it away, he risked coughing one up in the middle of the night, putting it aside, and forgetting about it when Twilight woke up, causing her to panic and fear the worst.

Either way led to a panicking purple princess. He might as well make sure the dragon got to stay comfortable.

As he walked out to put the letter in the mailbox, he bumped right into Pinkie Pie. She looked down at him, grinning widely, clearly waiting for him to ask.

And ask he did. "What, Pinkie?"

She giggled like a child, and leaned in close. "I'm making fudge!" she declared, and he rolled his eyes. Of course. "And I was trying a new recipe, so it would turn out extra gooey, but I need a test subject. Want to be the first to try Pinkie Pie's Perfect Fantastic Fudge-a-licious Super Fudge?"

Spike had trouble even thinking the name, and shook his head viciously. "Sorry, Pinkie. Twilight says I'm not allowed to do kitchen science anymore."

"But you won't be doing the actual science!" she protested. "You'll be the test subject, not the mad scientist!"

"That's exactly what she said was forbidden, come to think of it."

"Why?"

Spike looked her right in the face. "Gummy bears," he said bluntly.

"Oh, that." Pinkie's smile nearly split her face in half. "Twilight sure does have a lot of rules in place for your own safety, doesn't she?" Without waiting for an answer, she said goodbye and set out to look for Apple Bloom to test her fudge.

No sooner had Spike put the letter in the mailbox than the mailmare dropped in with another letter from Princess Cadance and Shining Armor. Spike brought it into the castle to hand to Twilight, and was rewarded six seconds later with Twilight's laughter.

It seemed that Cadance had forgotten to mention in her last letter, but she had remembered it now. She'd specifically pointed out that there was nothing wrong with anypony in the Crystal Empire, and certainly not the baby, and that there was no reason to panic.

They did know her too well. Spike wasn't entirely sure if this was creepy or entertaining. For the moment, he picked the latter.


	4. Fashion and Fatalities

**From the minds of two bored fans comes what passes for a "Nightmare Night" special. From the mind of Discord comes chaos and anarchy.**

Spike rubbed his hands together in glee. This was it. He was finally, finally going to find Rarity and make her his mare. And he knew just how to do it: help her out with her recent, overwhelming dress order.

He wasn't alone, unfortunately. Discord had come along, because he was bored and it looked like fun. Spike had tried to convince him otherwise, but the more he protested, the more Discord insisted that it just needed a little more excitement.

"Why isn't Twilight coming with us?" Discord asked, and Spike shrugged.

"She made some kind of bet with her brother, and they're trying to guess what type of pony his foal will be." He didn't seem too interested. "Apparently, she and Shining Armor have an earth pony for a great-great grandfather, so that apparently makes all four kinds an option. Now she's trying to figure out the likelihood for each of them, while he's just assuming that a colt will be a unicorn and a filly an alicorn."

"Can alicorns be born alicorns?"

"Princess Celestia says she and Princess Luna were."

The dragon reached out and knocked on the door to the boutique, and was rewarded with a high-pitched squee that definitely did not come from Rarity. Rarity opened the door with her magic, but Spike heard every word Sweetie Belle said:

"Is this your boyfriend, Rarity? Can I meet him? Is he gonna ask you to marry him? Can I live with you guys? Is he...oh. Hi, Spike."

She sounded so disappointed when she said the last three words, but Spike himself was far more disappointed with the words that came before them. He pushed them out of his mind. He knew Sweetie Belle wanted Rarity to find true love almost as much as Rarity herself, so she might tease her sister about any stallion (or other male, he hoped) that looked her way. He could easily still stand a chance.

Rarity seemed to be grateful for his help, though. "Oh, thank you, Spike!" she cheered, practically throwing her forelegs around him. "I don't know what I'd do without you!"

It was as if Sweetie Belle's words had never touched him.

* * *

"So, how's the order coming?" Spike asked, and was rewarded with silence. It had been the wrong thing to say. He quickly switched topics. "How many do you have to make?"

"Sixty-three," Rarity answered immediately.

"And how many are done?"

"Six," Rarity admitted, her eyes tearing a bit. "Only six. Oh, Spikey-Wikey, you have to help me!"

"Why haven't you done them yet?" Discord asked, and Sweetie Belle traced a circle on the floor with her hoof.

"Beats me," she mumbled. "It certainly didn't have anything to do with a Cutie Mark Crusaders Nacho Party, if that's what you're asking."

Discord watched in complete amusement as the unicorn sisters and the dragon all discussed what to do, despite Spike and Sweetie Belle knowing next to nothing about sewing. While it would be entertaining to watch them squirm, he had Good Deeds to do.

Nobody had needed to tell him that his Good Deeds were almost as chaotic as his evil actions.

"Don't worry, Rarity," he said, waving his paw dismissively. "I'm sure Spikey-Wikey and I can help you with the rest."

Sweetie Belle looked up at that, worry clouding her eyes. _"You're_ going to help make dresses?" she squeaked, sharing a terrified look with her sister. "But Rarity said she wouldn't even trust you to help her make waffles!"

Discord clicked his tongue and patted the young unicorn on the head. "Dear, dear Sweetie Bot," he said, pretending to be unaware of her glare. "Your sister is a friend of mine. Why in the world would I deliberately ruin her business?"

"Sweetie Bot?" Sweetie Belle and Spike repeated together.

"Ruin my business?" Rarity dared to say, and Discord just smiled wickedly.

"Not my intention, I promise." He pulled a roll of soft, shiny blue fabric out of the bottom of the pile, leaving the rest of it untouched. Naturally, it did not fall. "Now, do you have design plans?"

Rarity gestured to the trash can. "You can do the sketches in here," she said, levitating the basket into his claws. "The rest of us will take care of the decent dresses."

"Decent dresses?" Discord gasped, looking offended. "Didn't you say that anything designed by Rarity was guaranteed to be fabulous?" When Rarity refused to answer, he felt his urge to do Good Deeds rising. His eyes going hypnotic, he stared Rarity in the face, and she was powerless to resist. "Sleep, then. Sleep until I finish these hideous outfits."

Spike watched in horror as the mare he'd been in love with since his arrival in Ponyville fell over. Sweetie Belle was next to fall to Discord's gaze, and then Discord turned to Spike.

But he didn't cast a sleeping spell. Instead, he unfolded one of Rarity's trashed sketches, and looked it over. "Easy enough," he said simply. "Spike...get some fabric, some feathers, and an assortment of herbs and spices. We're going to be men and make some dresses!"

* * *

Rarity's eyes slowly opened, and she dreaded what she'd find. Her boutique was still in one piece, and Sweetie Belle was sleeping on the floor as if nothing bad was happening. Rarity knew better, however.

She got to her hooves, ignoring how they weren't used to supporting her at the moment, and made her way to her work room, which was, surprisingly, giving off the strong aroma of chamomile tea and cinnamon. There she saw Discord standing next to an unconscious Spike, sewing something onto a sparkly dark blue dress. He looked up as she entered, and gave her a proud "I told you I could do it" look.

"You woke up just in time!" he cheered. "Spike and I took a few creative liberties, but in the end I think we got it." He held up the dress he'd been working on. "I told you I could do it!"

Rarity took a better look, and almost passed out again. There, held in his claws, was a dark blue dress that seemed to be made of equal parts fabric, sequins, and body parts.

The hem was an intestine. An eyeball blinked at the left shoulder. And was that a beating heart stitched onto the skirt like a pocket?

"Discord...where on earth did you find all of these?" Not the question she'd wanted to ask, but an important one nonetheless. She looked again at the dragon laying sprawled on the floor, but Discord just shrugged.

"Stole them from corpses," he admitted. "Yes, the heart needed to be restarted, but honestly, isn't it better that I took my supplies from dead ponies instead of living ones?" When she didn't reply, he tilted his head in confusion. "I thought you, of all ponies, would be excited for the purpose of reusing the old to assist in the new."

"And what about Spike? What did you do to him?"

"Oh, he's fine. He just got tired from all that grave-robbing."

Spike snored loudly, proving that he was not dead. That didn't do much to soothe Rarity's nerves, but at least it was something. Clearing her throat, she eyed the dreadful dress. "Is that your only...accomplishment?" she asked reluctantly, and Discord only confirmed her worst fears.

"Oh, not at all! I've finished your entire fall line for you, isn't it exciting?" He gestured to a long line of pony-shaped mannequins, each one wearing some appalling garment. One was covered in sharp-toothed mouths that opened and closed and revealed long, forked tongues, proving that whatever corpse it had come from was not a pony. Another was trimmed with half-rotted pony flesh, accented by a giant hat made out of most of a ribcage, the missing pieces stitched onto the sash for decoration. A third had its white fabric stained red and brown with blood, paired with a necklace made of teeth. The others were so horrifying she could only guess at what went into them, but none of it left pretty pictures in her mind.

To be blunt, the 'dress line' looked like something had crept up behind Nightmare Night, clubbed it on the head, dragged it into a dark alley, and mutilated it.

That was all she could handle at the moment. Rarity took one look at the abominations that apparently passed for clothing, and crashed next to Spike, completely out of it.

* * *

When she woke again, she found herself back where she had originally collapsed, her sister blissfully unaware of the horrors. Could she have dreamed it? Could it be that the horrendous costumes had never existed?

Her nose picked up on the distinct combination of cinnamon and chamomile from her nightmare, and she shakily got to her hooves. Real or not, she was about to find out.

She carefully followed the odd smell to her kitchen, where she found an outline of a familiar mismatched shape, pacing the floor as something made an awfully annoying ticking sound. Was that a timer?

Apparently so, as the countdown hit zero right as she reached the doorway. The shrill ringing was quickly muted by a wave of Discord's paw, and he reached into the oven with carefully-protected hands, pulling out...

...one of the most beautiful gowns Rarity had ever seen.

It was blue, almost matching her own eyes. The soft fabric of the skirt was gathered perfectly to provide the proper tail-covering bustle. Glittering sequins lined up in intricate patterns across it, and the shine caught the light just perfectly.

And then, as soon as her worst fears were put to rest, her secondary fears were brought to full attention. "Spike!" Discord called, startling Rarity. "Your presence is required in the kitchen!"

_He's_ _not_ _going_ _to_ _have_ _Spike_ _**burn**_ _it_, _is_ _he_? Rarity shuddered at the thought. _No_. _He_ _could_ _burn_ _it_ _himself_ _if_ _he_ _wanted_.

She heard a groan from the bathroom. "Again?"

"Yes! Now, hurry up and model this dress like a man, before Rarity wakes up and throttles me."

Rarity took a step back as Spike entered the picture, looking very...unlike himself. He seemed to have an empty paper towel roll stuck to his forehead, and was wearing crude cardboard wings. He walked into the kitchen with a sigh, and held out his arms as Discord forced the dress onto him. The result was to take away a lot of the dress's beauty, and the obviously irritated dragon (dressed as an alicorn?) puffed a cloud of smoke into Discord's face.

Discord just nodded. "Yes, I thought so, too. It _is _hideous." He gestured to a pile, where several other dresses in various colors were waiting. "More cinnamon next time, I think. Or maybe it needs a few drops of lemon juice."

"Maybe you put in too much milk," Spike suggested, trying to get the dress off without doing damage to the wings.

"Or perhaps," Rarity declared, magically picking up the discarded gowns with a stunned expression frozen on her face, "you have saved my life."

Discord blinked in confusion. "Me?"

"Him?" Spike repeated, stopping in his struggle to stare at his love interest as though she'd lost her mind.

"Of course," Rarity said, grinning widely at Discord. "I disapprove of you knocking me out when I could have helped you, of course, but all of these are wonderful." Her smile seemed to grow even wider. "I may just recommend that Fluttershy give you a Good Boy Star for this, and that your Keeper give you another day of reasonable freedom."

A snort caught her attention, and she saw Discord's Keeper modeling a dress himself. "I got stuck," the unicorn male explained. "I don't know how to get it off."

"Which is why Spike was my new model," Discord said proudly. "But the dresses turned out awful. They don't even have blinking eyeballs!"

"Oh, but awful is _in,_ Discord!" Rarity lied, gently hanging them all on a rack and tugging the guard free. "Perhaps I'll suggest two stars. You do want that cake, don't you?"

"What about me, Rarity?" Spike asked, and she immediately started to help him out of Discord's newest creation.

"As for you," she sighed, freeing him with one final tug, "you're no model, darling, but I'm sure you were a wonderful assistant. But, if I could ask you one question..."

"Yes?"

She didn't seem to know how to phrase it, so she said what was in her head: "Why?"

He hung his head in shame, knowing at once she was talking about the so-called horn. "I don't really know," he answered honestly. "It...well, context is..."

"Does it make sense in context?" Rarity dared to ask, and Spike shook his head as Discord started laughing.

"Context is _weirder,_" the dragon admitted.

"Was Discord involved?"

"Actually...no."

Rarity looked up at the draconequus, who was now literally roaring with laughter, and looked back at Spike's wings. "And the wings?"

"Well, I didn't want to look like a _total _idiot!" His indignant tone just made Discord laugh even harder, and Rarity sighed.

"Spike," she said slowly, "what did Twilight tell you?"

"Shaken, not stirred."

"No, Spike. The other thing."

Spike blinked slowly. "She tells me a lot of things for my own protection, Rarity," he said. "I don't know what you're talking about."

She'd forgotten her point by now, anyway. So, instead, she picked two gems from her stash and passed them to the hungry dragon, and told him to at least take off the wings by the time he went home.

* * *

Fluttershy had placed the star-shaped sticker on the calendar five minutes ago, and Discord was still rejoicing. He didn't even protest when Hopscotch started rubbing his face against the chicken claw, and scratched the cat behind the ears. There wasn't even a comment about the loud purring that naturally followed.

"I know Rarity suggested I give you two," Fluttershy admitted, "but there was still the fact that your Keeper and Spike were stuck cross-dressing..."

"I suggested she not give you any stars and extend the punishment for that," the Taser unicorn grunted. "But she's too kind for her own good."

"That's my Flutters," Discord said with a smile, patting the Pegasus on the head. She took a step back to avoid it, and he took the hint. "The Element of Kindness. She's so cute, isn't she?"

"Please stop talking about me like I'm a puppy," Fluttershy mumbled, shuffling one hoof.

"Oh, you're no fun." Discord dropped Hopscotch onto the unicorn's head, where it started rubbing against the pain-inducing horn. When he was sure that the cat was preoccupied, he tucked Fluttershy under one arm, saying something about a date, and flew out the window with her.

She waited ten seconds before she started talking again. "Are you trying to set me up with somepony, Discord?"

He heard the irritation in her voice, and he pretended to take offense. "Why, Fluttershy! I thought you and I had an understanding! You said not to set you up on blind dates anymore, and I want you to be happy."

"Um, that's nice of you, really, but I'm not -"

"So," Discord said, dropping her off in front of a pet supply store, "I'm letting you meet the stallion first."

Fluttershy peeked through the window, where an earth pony male was standing behind the counter, giving a bag of dog treats to his customer. He was the same shade of blue as Soarin of the Wonderbolts, with a dark green mane and a paw print-shaped cutie mark. He wasn't bad to look at, not at all, but that only made her more uncomfortable. She looked away quickly. "And what do you know about this one, Discord?"

He shrugged and took a seat on the sidewalk. "Next to nothing," he admitted. "To tell you the truth, Fluttershy, this wasn't related to playing matchmaker at all. I just wanted to escape Mr. Zap-Happy."

To his surprise, she smiled, and floated down next to him. "You could have said so on your way over," she giggled, playfully batting at him. "I'm not really his biggest fan, either. I feel terrible talking about him behind his back like this, but..." Her eyes widened, and she suddenly covered her mouth with both hooves as she remembered. "Hopscotch! We left Hopscotch alone with him! Oh, now I feel even worse! We should have..."

Discord pinched her mouth closed with his paw. "Calm down, Fluttershy. That cat may have nothing in his head but a puddle of mush, but he has an astounding sense of direction. I give him five minutes before he shows up and demands we play with him."

Fluttershy let some of her nerves slip away. Discord was right. Hopscotch always did manage to find one or the other at the end of it all. "You know him so well," she said quietly. "It's almost as if you like him."

Discord made an offended sound. "He's funny, I'll give you that, but I do not get along with animals. Certainly you remember the incident when the birds you were housing decided to go all Hitchcock on me? You're lucky I can reattach my limbs."

Fluttershy cringed at the memory. Yes, she was very lucky that no blood had been shed, and that her friend could just pop his dislocated hoof back into place. But that was disrupted by a meow, and both of them looked down to see the white cat staring up at them.

Discord summoned a watch to check the time. "Only three minutes," he muttered to himself. "He seems to be getting faster and better at tracking." He shook his head sadly. "Perhaps I put a bit too much energy into the 'never get lost' spell."


End file.
